Depressed.

[simonheros]

Intro----------------------------
So well guy/chicks- I guess I got into a little quarel with my family.
If you haven't seen or read any of my little sob story shits, honestly don't read it. It's full of nothing but stupid things, and my pussy self.
In fact, harass me all you want. I totally deserve it for being a selfish shit.

But I like writing this kinda shit- it makes me feel better.
So for all you who still read this thanks- but don't pity me, just read.

Growing up----------------------------
Growing up I have always been the "typical" Asian. You know- living in a mostly white area, I was different.It made me social awkward, quiet, and just a mess. Even in kindergarten I remember some Asian jokes being

called at me like "Chinese Japanese" whatever shit with your eyes. I never understood it. They were just my eyes. I was never popular. Maybe loud mouthed in K-5th grade. But I guess I haven't really been a good

person. As a kid, I think I was snotty. I think I was rude. I think I was just a faggot. Nothing would help me more now then to go back then as a child though... Where people honestly didn't really care- and I wasn't a lonely

fuck.

A faint memory as a kid was when I was riding my bus home (3rd-5th grade I think). A kid that was just a year younger then me, actually stood up and caught me a chink. In the bus. Everyone laughed... Being me at the

time- I could say nothing but a weak "Fuck you". But honestly- I wouldn't start a fight. I have never been in one. The fact that because I was different, made me a target for all around faggots. I grew up with my parents

morals slowly making me, me. From "Don't talk to anyone, just learn." and to things like "You are a failiure if you get B's". I hate the fact I can't stand up for myself. But I did before- I just got more insults....


My Uncle----------------------------
As a kid I had an uncle. He had a restraunt. A real cool dude. I would go there everyone once in a while- and just have fun. He had a big two story house. It had a tiny lake next to it, and he had CABLE! I have never had

cable before- I would watch Toonami on his T.V. just having a feeling of hapiness in my life. He also went fishing with me, I remember my line actually caught a Blue something and a SHARK bit the Blue _____ and my

uncle had to wrangle with the shark (I was freaking out, like spazzy excited). But growing up, his "girlfriend" fucked him over. I don't really know completely, but it turns out she sold the restraunt without his consent. He's

officially fucked. From that point on, my parents have been taking in all this restraunt shit in our garage because my uncle doesn't know what to do with it. He also moved away.... (Will continue his story later).

Growing up----------------------------
I guess I grew up learning from the area around me. Being me, I was never good at sports. I was a clutz at catching. I could play Soccer fine though. So I was probably the last one to be called to a team (still now). But

we all live through it. Some people call me "smart". I don't think I am at all. Through out my life I have gotten two C's on my report card in my life. One in 5th grade for writing. And another in 6th grade in band.

Band----------------------------
Well on the band subject, I never wanted it. I thought it would be cool to play the trumpet. And my parents encouraged me because it supposedly made me "smarter" and have "talent" in something. Within days I hated it.

I had morning and afternoon classes in 4th-5th grade. I soonly started skipping. I didn't even know how to play, I looked next to me and copied other peoples hand notions (poorly). So my parents didn't realize it, and then

signed me up for 6th-and 7th grade band. I also had it this year (8th grade) but later dropped out early in the year. When they saw in 6th grade I got a C, and a close B in 7th they wanted me out, because my grades were

shit. In all honestly I didn't have any dedication. I couldn't play. I just couldn't.

Oh yea- being "smart". People have always thought I was smart. I was pretty sure I was Asian, and sometimes got lucky on tests. I guess I could've been "smart" in Elementary school- but fuck Middle School. I want to

believe that I am smart. But i'm not. I barely get through some classes anymore- just getting B's. On my reports I have some C's,D's,F's all over the place. I guess my grades aren't consistent... My brain doesn't seem to

absorb information anymore, just things from the internet.

Girl Relations----------------------------
I can't say I have many friends with girls. Maybe 2 REAL friends, but I think I always fuck the situation up. The first girl asked me out before (6th grade) and I rejected her. It's been awkward ever since. The second chick- I

think I cut the friendship off? I dunno. I am not a womanizer. I don't really have any "looks".Hell my dad was a farm boy from China... I am not attractive, period.

Reading this----------------------------
I am a total douche. As a kid I still think I was shy and timid, but around some people I was a spazz. I grew up realizing what a shit I was. So I naturally secluded myself, I realized in 7th grade what a shitty world we live in

(thanks Internet for opening my eyes). All these people are just... boring. I learned to judge people. It's usually a bad method, but you can usually tell what kind of person they are by what they wear, and just what they do.

Their jokes are weak. Conversations are boring. And I just think they're all selfish. They don't want to LEARN anything- they just want to get shit over with. It's like LEARNING is a bad thing. I want to learn I really do- but in

school teachers aren't teaching, and are more like babysitting monkeys.

Everyday I walk to school, people are inconsiderate. Their beliefs are weak. They whine over next to nothing. How can you complain about getting a stupid phone taken away? You go to school. You have friends, logically

you talk to them there. I really do hate everyone. Yet I feel like I pity everyone. I pity how we will grow up. There are good people, I have met them... But the world won't recognize those kinda people. We listen to

mainstream trash, and the Media. I don't really care anymore about politics, but if it's something I know... Many people like us on the internet are lonely, some of us don't realize it... But we're lonely without each other.


Rant on America----------------------------
I can't think about living in America anymore. Why is everything full of lies? These text books in our history class... Am I supposed to learn this shit? America is the land of the "free"? I have become an industrial slave.

There is no will for me to live. I have hope, but everything else is gone. Everyone is greedy.

America started from violence. America started from killing. We do nothing in America but kill,lie, and steal. In the beginning of the America I realize these white fellows had a "goal". A "free" land they say- but only to

those they expect to be free. It's all contradictory living here, doing the Pledge of "ALLEGIANCE". Many people don't see it, but I honestly think the world is a doomed failiure. America complains about Pearl Harbour after

nuking Japan twice. In history- we are all seperated. By our skin. By our beliefs. By our views. And just by fear. We are weak people. I want to change the world- but I know people won't see it like me.

There is no will for me to live. I have hope, but everything else is gone. Everyone is greedy. Religion has ruined this Earth.

Being me----------------------------
I don't like myself as a person. My parents don't think of me as anything. Before "OH THEY LOVE YOU!", well shit. This is some tough as love for my soft self.
As a kid I cried easily. My parents insult me over everything, I am a failiure. I am Chinese and get bad grades (B's n' shit). I spend all my time on the computer, I have no friends. I can't get a girlfriend (wtf, i'm in 8th

grade?).I'm ugly.I'm lazy. I'm useless. So it goes on.

Honestly I take in everyone of those judgements. I don't care- it mine as well be truth, and like I said I don't care. I am emotionless. I like jokes. I don't know myself anymore.
I know I can't get a good job growing up at this rate. I have no talent. Everything I have taken praise for is half assed. I try and try, but it never amounts to anything.

I won't kill myself for all you stupid fucks. It would be pointless and a somewhat cowardly move. But when I die, I want to influence the world. Become someone. For something.

I think I have taken a sharp turn while writing this. I feel better. Please ask questions, or just post anything (including hate).

Thanks for reading. -simonheros (age 13). march 21 2012