Well, my computer is infected. Great.
#3
Safe Mode was the first thing I tried, but like I said it causes a crash before it can do anything, causing the Blue Screen of Death.

I think I already have MalwareBytes on this thing, but I have no way to access it because the virus killed the Start menu and the Desktop.

Edit: GAH! I thought I had it there for a moment! I went and downloaded MB setup anyway, but because of the way Firefox handles exes, it just saved it to my downloads folder... and pulled up the downloads window. Right-click the file, "open containing folder", and bam! Windows relaunches. Start menu and desktop are back. Yay, right?

Two seconds later: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION HAS QUARANTINED YOUR COMPUTER

Two seconds after that: Microsoft Security Essentials is cleaning detected threats. No action needed.

Five seconds later: Dell Quickset pops up (never seen THAT program before) and the virus page is gone again, but so are Desktop and Start menu.

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Two minutes later: YES! There was a button on that Dell Quickset for System Information... leading to System Restore!
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