Is this alright?

[Fat_Sacks]

help be out

Should be "me".

Not trying to be hard on you but, this essay doesn't really have the standard layout...it seems more like a list and the beginning more of a praising of one's self. Try this pattern;

Intro:
-Grabber
-topic,
-background/info
-background/info
-thesis (3 main points)

Body 1:
-Point from thesis
-observation/background/info
-evidence (back up BG/info)
-analysis (of what was explained)
-conclusion/transition

Body 2:
-Point from thesis,
-observation/background/info
-evidence (back up BG/info),
-analysis (of what was explained)
-conclusion/transition

Body 3:
-Point from thesis
-observation/background/info
-evidence (back up BG/info)
-analysis (of what was explained)
-conclusion/transition

Conclusion:
-Restatement of thesis
-although statement (something others would argue against)
-sentence that proves statement wrong,
-connections to society
-ending sentence

Things to note:
Thesis - argument/ your stance; what you want to people to believe
Evidence - hard facts (from your self or other source)

That was half of my rough draft, plus this does kinda look like like a foundation to a persuasive essay.